My Resignation...

My Resignation...

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again. I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant. I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks. I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them. I want to lie under a big oak tree & run a lemonade stand with friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset. I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible.

I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So....here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood.

And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, because...

"Tag! You're it !"

Author Unknown

Patience

Margart Thatcher, United Kingdom's first woman PM, once said, 'I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.' That pretty much sums up how I live my life in motion, but not necessarily how I want to continue moving forward.

I try to analyse a recent very ugly confrontation with a road bully and came to an obvious conclusion on the cause of it. This is how it went: The green arrow appeared. I horned at the guy in front, who was obviously in la la land. He didn't move, so I horned again. He moved but the arrow was blinking. Then in an obvious attempt to p***ed me off further, he blocked my path. I horned some more. The middle finger emerged from his car window. In the next traffic junction, I practically flew out of my car and assaulted the guy's window, which he closed after his very rude gesture and which he stubbornly (or cowardly) refused to open. He relented when the knocks became violent. This is how the conversation went:

Me: Why you have the guts to show me the middle finger but have no guts to open the window?
Guy: Why you horn at me?
Me: Because the light turned green and you are not moving, so I am reminding you to move.
Guy: But why must remind? (This question sounded incredibly stupid at that time and infuriated me further. Meanwhile, the cars behind us were horning as the light had turned green.)
Me: Because you are a blur f***!!!

Then I stormed off, expecting more touble from the guy but he drove very slowly and at a distance behind me. When I told my hubby and my father in law about this incident, they said that the guy was probably in shock - a woman had got off her car to confront him. And we all concluded that he is a coward who bullies the weak.

On hind sight, I think it was impatience that got this whole thing started. I was impatient that he reacted so slowly to traffic conditions and he was angry that I was impatient. Although it seems I am perfectly justified, I don't feel proud of my actions. The vulgar language was unnecessary even though my impatience was tested to the limit. I am not a confrontational person. I am not even a social person - I won't speak unless I have to. Socialisation and confrontation are 2 big stressors for me, yet I'm faced with these on a daily basis. I tell people that I will do pretty well living in a cave where I can focus on breathing and relaxing and being patient. Well, maybe I will be OK for a couple of weeks or so. I still need to be with loved ones and go shopping but I'm sure a period of solitude will do me a world of good.

It's a battlefield out there!

As a parent, I make it a point to teach good values to my princes. Values such as honesty, respect, loyalty and love for family and friends and to do what is right, in God's eyes. I'm lucky that the princes are generally receptive to their mom's advice and guidance. They also have good influences from Sunday school and other positive mentors. Of course, like their mom, they are no saints. They have their moments but generally they have pretty good inbuilt moral compasses.

It is, therefore, utterly frustrating and sad when you groom a couple of good kids only to see them get slaughtered when they step into the world. What's a mother to do? Teach them to continue to be nice or fight back? For me, there is no way I will make nice when the person's behaviour is obviously of ill-intent, so I would be a hypocrite to teach my princes to do what I would not do. In very extreme situations, I passed them my own dose of wisdom - First, a gentlemen. Then a jerk. (A chinese proverb) Give the other party the benefit of the doubt first but when proven to be evil and unrepentent, you have the permission to return the favour.

I figure teaching them moral values without some defensive skills will be as good as sending a bunch of wagyu grade cows to a cheap slaughter house. And I really hate to see my precious get hurt. I am OK that they get the usual growing pains and challenges but when they give their all and have their hearts smashed into pieces, I ache for them. I cannot always be there for them, I tell them, so they need to learn how to outwit their enemies and take care of themselves and each other. It is a battlefield out there and the fight will not always be fair.

I guess if there is one disadvantage of being parent is that you always worry for your children and you never know, despite your best efforts, if they will turn out alright in the end. I guess like what Hal Runkel, a parenting expert, said in his book, Screamfree Parenting, 'Parents should always do our best but let go of the end result.' Letting your kids walk through fire on their own is an essential part of letting go. And the primary role of a parent is to work yourself out of a job. I'm still working on it...

Childlike

'A society in which adults are estranged from the world of children, and often from their own childhood, tends to hear children's speech only as a foreign language, or as a lie. Children have been treated as congenital fibbers, fakers and fantasisers.'- Beatrix Campbell, British journalist (1947- )

When I was a kid, my impression of mom was someone fun and easy to talk to. But somehow, when I grew into a teen, she also became an adult. A dull and stressed out adult. Recently, my 9 year old prince told me that my life is dull. He made that deduction after asking a series of questions, such as my hobbies, things that make me happy, etc. He is a smart kid and his analysis of his mom is not entirely wrong. I can be too serious at times, I have no hobbies to speak of and I can't remember the last time I had a proper date (er-hem, someone better take note).

I do take on the goofy mom persona once in a while but I guess the stress of living does get to me. After a while, I kind of forgot how to have fun. I become like my mom - dull and often stressed out. To kids, the world is a playground and they can find funny in any situation. Well, at least, my kids are like that. If not for them, I guess I will be even more dull. They remind me not to take life or myself too seriously. They taught me to 'chill-lax' - combination of chill out and relax and apparently a Gen Y term. I know I'm capable of that -when I don't have so many things on my mind. People close to me tell me I think too much while those who do not know me think that I am insensitive and often act on impulse. The woes of the misunderstood!

The last 10 years or so, mom became fun again, cracking jokes at others and herself and meeting up with her friends. I guess she learned to relax after her children reached adulthood. I hope I don't have to wait this long to live a well-lived and happy life. I guess my new year resolution will no longer be to lose 2 kg but to think more childlike and live a little.

We are all damaged goods

One out of four people in this country is mentally imbalanced. Think of your three closest friends and if they seem okay, then you're the one. - Ann Landers

Ever noticed that the beginnning of a hike is always a little hard, then it gets easier and then after a few hours or so, it gets even harder? That's how I feel as I get older and wiser. It doesn't make sense. I'm supposed to get better at this, this thing call life. It's not that I am less competent. Just that as I get older, I realise that people are more complex and things are very grey. Although my capability index gets better, the indicators also shift upwards, so I always feel like my teenage self - unsure of my judgement, feeling like a moron and regreting some of my past actions.

But I know I'm not alone in feeling incompetent in dealing with life's challenges. We all bring along with us baggages from our past and try to blend into the world. In a sense, we are all damaged goods. Imagine we are bikes travelling on a very long bumpy ride. If we are blessed with a good setup, i.e., good parents and values, we are likely to last the distance with little damages but along the way we will still get knocks here and there and lose a wheel or two. Nobody gets away unscathed. When we meet other travellers along the way, we may share some of our sad stories and help one another fix the damages or we may hide our less than glamourous past with a shiny coat of paint. Inside, we are still damaged. If we do not fix the damage, it will get worse as we trudge along and eventually collapse into a heap of despair.

Somebody once said that 'Life is raw material. We are artisans. We can sculpt our existence into something beautiful, or debase it into ugliness. It's in our hands.' We can choose to ignore our injuries and lead life wearing a perpetual mask or we can nurture our souls and be kind to ourselves and others. Of course, it helps to have some divine intervention. Fortunately, human beings are capable of resilience. Although we cannot undo the past, we can conquer fears and weaknesses, one at a time and slowly and surely, we can get back on the road - more assured and confident. Perhaps we can even help other damaged goods along the way. The journey may still be harsh and demanding but when we learn to take care of ourselves and others, it will definitely be more bearable.

Why be a parent?

There has been some debate recently in my social circle on whether or not to have a baby or how many babies to have. The hardcore DINKS see no reason to spoil their weekends or their lives by welcoming little monsters. They are perfectly happy playing with friends' or relatives' babies and then return them before night falls or diapers get soiled, which ever comes first.

I always tell people they should have one if they are not too squimish about them. Babies, I mean. Why? Because not being a parent is like missing out on a huge part of the human experience. It's like eating pancake without maple syrup or having bakut teh without bakut. Or riding a roller coaster without the twists. You get my drift. Life is a lot more interesting and 'multi-layered' with a child. Seriously, some times I wonder what I would do with all the free time I would have, without children. I wouldn't know what to do with myself. Ya, pathetic. I know I could hang out with friends, go shopping, pick up golf and watch obscene amount of TV but I think I will tire of these after a while. You see, a child is different. A child will keep me on my toes with his witty remarks and mischief and feed me with a tornado of emotions. No one can evoke joy, anger and hit that little soft spot in your heart that makes you all teary, all in the same day like your child can.

I recall an incident which reminded me the real reason I want to be a parent. I was walking home one day and bumped into a neighbour's pre-teen daughter at the lift. She was a pretty little thing and she smiled so sweetly at me that my heart skipped a beat. Then I went home and cried. Stupid woman! What was that all about? Then it dawned on me that I was grieving because I knew I would never own that smile. I would never have a daughter. Even though I already have 2 beautiful smart boys, my heart was broken at that point. So for those who have made up their minds not be a parent, I hope they never have to experience this painful regret and if they do, I hope they find a darn good way to cope.

I don't watch TV. Why? Because it's a waste of time. I get nothing out of that box which many deem indispensable. Besides, I hate the trouble of having to remember the timings of the shows and remembering to watch them. My brain is already overloaded with data.

But my princes and my Hubby lurve the tube, so I do sit down with them once in a while to catch up on the latest stuff. So far, the only TV series that impresses me is the animated Avatar, the Last Air Bender. Well, considering I don't watch much TV and most of these times were to supervise the princes, I'm more familiar with the yellow sponge and the cute monk with the arrowhead tatoo on his head and limbs. Avatar has many interesting characters and is really funny. My favourite character is Toph, the blind earth-bender with a big attitude. If I had a girl, she would be like Toph.

Before I go down in histroy as the only adult woman in Singapore who watches nothing on TV except kids' shows, I would like to qualify that I do appreciate adult TV shows like The Mentalist, Lost and most recently Glee. Among these adult shows, I must say Glee gives me the most 'high'. Set at a Midwest high school, this award-winning comedy features a Spanish teacher who takes the glee club, populated by teenage misfits, and manages to turn it around. Each episode features four musical performances. All the songs featured in Glee make me warm and fuzzy inside, maybe because they are so familiar. The dysfunctional characters, especially the teachers, are eerily real to me, although some of the characters, like Sue, are blown out of proportion. I like her infamous quote: 'I'm going to ask you to smell your armpits. That's the smell of failure and it's stinking up my office.' To a certain extent, I'm also dysfunctional and these characters voiced out and acted out these 'dysfunctional-ness' and make them seem almost normal.

Questions: Are there really such musical clubs in the American schools? Why can't Singapore have one as hip? And why can't all music teachers be this hot and cool at the same time?

Glee trivia:

• All of the singing and dancing on the show is genuinely performed by the actors.


• After releasing a remake of Journey's hit song "Don't Stop Believin'" in May (2009), the song skyrocketed to #1 on the iTunes charts.


• Confident that the series would be a huge success, Fox and Columbia Records decided to record a soundtrack for the show.


• Series stars Jayma Mays (Emma) and Jessalyn Gilsig (Terri) have both appeared in vital guest starring roles on NBC's Heroes as Charlie and Meredith (Claire's biological mother) respectively.