Sleepness in Simei

Going to dream land every night is something we all take for granted. You go to bed, put your head on the pillow and drift off to sleep. Simple. Almost instinctive and natural. For some of us who suffer from insomnia, sleep can be a dreadful affair. For the past 2 years, I've been struggling to breathe normally as I attempt to meet my dreams every night. Breathing. That's another natural thing that living thing do well without any help. Who wouldn't know how to breathe, right? When I first told my husband about my breathlessness, he was incredulous - breathing is natural! How can you not breathe naturally?

Many people do not understand my ailment, except for a fellow colleague who also suffered the same cursed symptom some months ago. Her doctor diagnosed her as having chronic fatigue syndrome. She has recently retired and recovering. I'm not so lucky. My diagnosis has ranged from anxiety disorder to weak lungs to stress to sensitive blocked nose. And I have seen a myriad of experts - from psychiatrist to hypnotist to chinese physician to Ear, Nose and Throat specialist. I have had my tonsils removed, andenoids (some swollen tissue in the nostrils) removed, my body poked with needles, steamed, kneeded, doused with chinese and western medicine. I am still unfortunately and frustratingly breathless and sleepless.

And the darnest thing is I have spent a lot of money just to get back to square one. Not square one, more like minus one because my breathing is getting worse, even in day time. And despite the andenoid surgery, my nose is still blocked. I think God must have some brilliant plan for me to endure all these for 2 years. I got angry with Him, then desperate, then angry again. Being God is not easy. He has to be very patient with silly mortal beings like us who do not understand our sufferings. I am being sarcastic. Well, I can't possibly be jolly when I am suffocating every few minutes..... Frankly, I'm ashamed of being so faithless.

I find comfort in the following words though.

"Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and inflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. Isaiah 53:4-5

"Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits – who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases. Psalm 103:2-3

"The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he refreshes my soul. He guides me along the right paths for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. " Psalm 23

"Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

"You’ve come to a place in your life where you can’t turn around, yet you can’t see how to go forward. Like the children of Israel you are at the Red Sea of your life. I have not brought you this far to leave you. I brought you into the wilderness and I will lead you out. Lift your head high and praise Me. Praise Me until the Red Sea in your life opens. Walk, walk on, do not be afraid. Lo I am with you always, even until the end of the earth. I am your God. Use what I have given you. Walk on, I am waiting for you. "
http://www.wherepeacefulwaters.com/newsletters/god_where_are_you.htm