My parenting philosophies

Parenthood is a long and arduous journey and we have to keep revamping ourselves and upgrading our skills to keep afloat. The goal post always seems to be shifting and the rules keep changing. That's why we should never leave parenting to chance, because chances are that you will regret it. Over the years, I have learnt many parenting tips, from books, internet and friends, some of which are brillaint but some I just can't relate to. Below are my personal parenting philosophies, some may seem radical but they have worked for me so far.

Begin with the end in mind
In my 20s, I was cynical, negative and perpetually on PMS mode. When I was pregnant with my first child, I resolved to change all that. I didn't want my child to become like Wednesday of Addams Family. I see my child as someone happy, confident and kind. I wanted him to grow up with strong positive Christian values and surrounded by love. Hence, I revolved my parenting styles and philosophies around that vision. My parenting style, as many of my friends know, is child-centric. It is not an easy one as it involves much sacrifices but it also humbled me and made me a better person.

Start young
Whatever skills or knowledge you want your child to acquire, you gotta start young. I started reading to my child when he was old enough to sit on my lap, i.e., about 5 months. Reading to my child became a nightly ritual which he enjoyed tremendously. Even now, my princes are still avid readers. According to their teachers, they are 'strong in communication and vocabulary' (aka talkative and aggressive). My princes also started swimming lessons when they were 4 or 5 years old. I deem reading and swimming as essential lifeskills. Even for discipline, I believe in starting young. If you allow your one-year old child to throw tantrum, he will continue to do it until adulthood. That explains why some of your friends and colleagues are so unreasonable and obnoxious.

Parent with love and service
We have heard of the 5 love languages - time, touch, affirmation, gifts, acts of service. I try to show my children all the love languages but frankly, to me, acts of service is the hardest to do. Yet it is a very important factor in family relationships. Acts of service, basically, tells the receiver that, at that point in time, his or her needs are more important than yours. What message can be more powerful than that? This doesn't mean that I'm a slave to my children. They still need to do their chores and obey their parents. I try to make them feel important by doing things for them when they least expect them, e.g., massages. I also have no qualms about apologising to my children when I make a mistake. Being parents doesn't mean we should behave 'big'. Sometimes, in order to earn respect from our children, we have to act 'small'.

Don't do for your child what he can do for himself
I'm glad that my children are relatively competent and independent. Sometimes, they surprised me with their capabilities. Recently, due to some miscommunication with my in-laws who are overseas, my younger prince took public transport home himself. He tried calling me but somehow I kept missing his calls. The poor kid took about an hour to reach home. Although I felt sympathy for him and hatred for myself, I'm proud that he found his way home without any help. I'm not suggesting that we leave our children to their own devices. We need to coach and nurture our children and provide them with the necessary resources and knowledge before we send them out into the world but we must also prepare them to face the world on their own, baby-step by baby-step.

Let them suffer a little
I personally believe that hardship builds character. We do not need to cater to every want or demand from our children. By K2, the princes know that they do not get any toys or gifts except on birthdays and Christmas. They also know that holidays overseas are not a given. My older prince begged for a handphone for a very long time, citing that all his friends had one. I only gave him an old handphone when he started to play in his school sports team and his gramps and myself needed to know his whereabouts - when he was Primary 5. And he knows that with privileges come responsibilities. He has to abide by the handphone etiquette, e.g., handphone must be switched off by 9pm. Now my younger prince is telling me that all his Primary 3 friends have handphones except him. Sigh...

When the princes told me the unfairness and injustice they experienced, I taught them skills to manage these and for cases where nothing could be done, I told them that the world has never been fair and never will be. This is part of growing up. But I also share with them positive stories and tell them that that they should always do the right thing even though people don't do the right thing by them. I believe that children should learn to fight their own battles while we observe in the background. Great generals are groomed by a nurturing mentor who provides the right training and armour.

A mother's heart

They say that once you become a mother, your heart no longer resides in your body. It goes and lives beside your child's heart, so you feel his excitment, his disappointment, his fears, his heartaches. A mother's heart knows no limit in giving and forgiving. It refuses to detach itself from the child's heart even when the child has made room in his heart for other occupants.

She patiently waits for the time when that space is available again; that place of love she knows only she can fill. While she waits, she gives and she gives and she prays. And she knows that the day will come when the child's heart will come and reside in hers. That's all the more sweeter.