Childlike

'A society in which adults are estranged from the world of children, and often from their own childhood, tends to hear children's speech only as a foreign language, or as a lie. Children have been treated as congenital fibbers, fakers and fantasisers.'- Beatrix Campbell, British journalist (1947- )

When I was a kid, my impression of mom was someone fun and easy to talk to. But somehow, when I grew into a teen, she also became an adult. A dull and stressed out adult. Recently, my 9 year old prince told me that my life is dull. He made that deduction after asking a series of questions, such as my hobbies, things that make me happy, etc. He is a smart kid and his analysis of his mom is not entirely wrong. I can be too serious at times, I have no hobbies to speak of and I can't remember the last time I had a proper date (er-hem, someone better take note).

I do take on the goofy mom persona once in a while but I guess the stress of living does get to me. After a while, I kind of forgot how to have fun. I become like my mom - dull and often stressed out. To kids, the world is a playground and they can find funny in any situation. Well, at least, my kids are like that. If not for them, I guess I will be even more dull. They remind me not to take life or myself too seriously. They taught me to 'chill-lax' - combination of chill out and relax and apparently a Gen Y term. I know I'm capable of that -when I don't have so many things on my mind. People close to me tell me I think too much while those who do not know me think that I am insensitive and often act on impulse. The woes of the misunderstood!

The last 10 years or so, mom became fun again, cracking jokes at others and herself and meeting up with her friends. I guess she learned to relax after her children reached adulthood. I hope I don't have to wait this long to live a well-lived and happy life. I guess my new year resolution will no longer be to lose 2 kg but to think more childlike and live a little.

We are all damaged goods

One out of four people in this country is mentally imbalanced. Think of your three closest friends and if they seem okay, then you're the one. - Ann Landers

Ever noticed that the beginnning of a hike is always a little hard, then it gets easier and then after a few hours or so, it gets even harder? That's how I feel as I get older and wiser. It doesn't make sense. I'm supposed to get better at this, this thing call life. It's not that I am less competent. Just that as I get older, I realise that people are more complex and things are very grey. Although my capability index gets better, the indicators also shift upwards, so I always feel like my teenage self - unsure of my judgement, feeling like a moron and regreting some of my past actions.

But I know I'm not alone in feeling incompetent in dealing with life's challenges. We all bring along with us baggages from our past and try to blend into the world. In a sense, we are all damaged goods. Imagine we are bikes travelling on a very long bumpy ride. If we are blessed with a good setup, i.e., good parents and values, we are likely to last the distance with little damages but along the way we will still get knocks here and there and lose a wheel or two. Nobody gets away unscathed. When we meet other travellers along the way, we may share some of our sad stories and help one another fix the damages or we may hide our less than glamourous past with a shiny coat of paint. Inside, we are still damaged. If we do not fix the damage, it will get worse as we trudge along and eventually collapse into a heap of despair.

Somebody once said that 'Life is raw material. We are artisans. We can sculpt our existence into something beautiful, or debase it into ugliness. It's in our hands.' We can choose to ignore our injuries and lead life wearing a perpetual mask or we can nurture our souls and be kind to ourselves and others. Of course, it helps to have some divine intervention. Fortunately, human beings are capable of resilience. Although we cannot undo the past, we can conquer fears and weaknesses, one at a time and slowly and surely, we can get back on the road - more assured and confident. Perhaps we can even help other damaged goods along the way. The journey may still be harsh and demanding but when we learn to take care of ourselves and others, it will definitely be more bearable.

Why be a parent?

There has been some debate recently in my social circle on whether or not to have a baby or how many babies to have. The hardcore DINKS see no reason to spoil their weekends or their lives by welcoming little monsters. They are perfectly happy playing with friends' or relatives' babies and then return them before night falls or diapers get soiled, which ever comes first.

I always tell people they should have one if they are not too squimish about them. Babies, I mean. Why? Because not being a parent is like missing out on a huge part of the human experience. It's like eating pancake without maple syrup or having bakut teh without bakut. Or riding a roller coaster without the twists. You get my drift. Life is a lot more interesting and 'multi-layered' with a child. Seriously, some times I wonder what I would do with all the free time I would have, without children. I wouldn't know what to do with myself. Ya, pathetic. I know I could hang out with friends, go shopping, pick up golf and watch obscene amount of TV but I think I will tire of these after a while. You see, a child is different. A child will keep me on my toes with his witty remarks and mischief and feed me with a tornado of emotions. No one can evoke joy, anger and hit that little soft spot in your heart that makes you all teary, all in the same day like your child can.

I recall an incident which reminded me the real reason I want to be a parent. I was walking home one day and bumped into a neighbour's pre-teen daughter at the lift. She was a pretty little thing and she smiled so sweetly at me that my heart skipped a beat. Then I went home and cried. Stupid woman! What was that all about? Then it dawned on me that I was grieving because I knew I would never own that smile. I would never have a daughter. Even though I already have 2 beautiful smart boys, my heart was broken at that point. So for those who have made up their minds not be a parent, I hope they never have to experience this painful regret and if they do, I hope they find a darn good way to cope.

I don't watch TV. Why? Because it's a waste of time. I get nothing out of that box which many deem indispensable. Besides, I hate the trouble of having to remember the timings of the shows and remembering to watch them. My brain is already overloaded with data.

But my princes and my Hubby lurve the tube, so I do sit down with them once in a while to catch up on the latest stuff. So far, the only TV series that impresses me is the animated Avatar, the Last Air Bender. Well, considering I don't watch much TV and most of these times were to supervise the princes, I'm more familiar with the yellow sponge and the cute monk with the arrowhead tatoo on his head and limbs. Avatar has many interesting characters and is really funny. My favourite character is Toph, the blind earth-bender with a big attitude. If I had a girl, she would be like Toph.

Before I go down in histroy as the only adult woman in Singapore who watches nothing on TV except kids' shows, I would like to qualify that I do appreciate adult TV shows like The Mentalist, Lost and most recently Glee. Among these adult shows, I must say Glee gives me the most 'high'. Set at a Midwest high school, this award-winning comedy features a Spanish teacher who takes the glee club, populated by teenage misfits, and manages to turn it around. Each episode features four musical performances. All the songs featured in Glee make me warm and fuzzy inside, maybe because they are so familiar. The dysfunctional characters, especially the teachers, are eerily real to me, although some of the characters, like Sue, are blown out of proportion. I like her infamous quote: 'I'm going to ask you to smell your armpits. That's the smell of failure and it's stinking up my office.' To a certain extent, I'm also dysfunctional and these characters voiced out and acted out these 'dysfunctional-ness' and make them seem almost normal.

Questions: Are there really such musical clubs in the American schools? Why can't Singapore have one as hip? And why can't all music teachers be this hot and cool at the same time?

Glee trivia:

• All of the singing and dancing on the show is genuinely performed by the actors.


• After releasing a remake of Journey's hit song "Don't Stop Believin'" in May (2009), the song skyrocketed to #1 on the iTunes charts.


• Confident that the series would be a huge success, Fox and Columbia Records decided to record a soundtrack for the show.


• Series stars Jayma Mays (Emma) and Jessalyn Gilsig (Terri) have both appeared in vital guest starring roles on NBC's Heroes as Charlie and Meredith (Claire's biological mother) respectively.

This ain't a love song

I thought I'm more of a ballad person but I recently realised that what really excites me is soft rock such as this one by Scouting for Girls. When I first heard it over the radio, the lyrics made me smiled.

And I’m a little bit lost without you

And I’m a bloody big mess inside

And I’m a little bit lost without you

This ain’t a love song this is goodbye

I'm glad that music is one of the ways I connect with my pre-teen prince. I'm not a sporty or outdoor person and constant talking can be boring at times. But when he hears a new song, he will share it with me. We happen to like the same kind of songs, for now. I guess my teenage angst is still buried underneath the thick layer of cellulite.

God remembers

Often times we pray for certain things and ask God to right a wrong and hope to see results immediately. But God doesn't work that way. His concept of time and timing is unlike ours. To us, if things don't instantly go our way, we conclude that it is not God's will or that we did not pray fervently enough. The beautiful thing about God is that He hears you even when you do not have the strength or will to pray. Even when you wail like beast, and have no words to utter your pain or strength to seek help, He knows and He remembers. And He is there with you.

Even when I have forgotton about the injustice I suffered, God remembers and He delivers justice in His own ways. And He makes sure that you respond with a good attitude - no bitterness or hatred, just sympathy and forgiveness. I can only say that I have an awesome God.

Shopping and children just don't go well together

The other day, I witnessed an ugly meltdown by a mother of 2 toddlers in a mall. I overheard the frazzled mom shouting at her crying toddler to shut up and something about throwing her younger sister away. Said younger sister was sitting in her pram none the wiser while the girl wailed her lungs out. This noisy drama played on for quite a while.

I don't know what exactly happened, only that the young mother was stupid enough to attempt shopping while dragging 2 unwilling toddlers with her. What was she thinking? I had a good mind to tell her to abandon her shopping and settle her tired kids at home. To young children, the mall is a big scary place with giants moving along huge sign boards and shops. It's a place full of noise and smells and negative stimulation.

When my princes were small, I hardly brought them to the malls. They were more familiar with the zoo, the parks and the library. What benefit could they possibly get from the mall and what joy would I derive from crying children and crowded places? This explains why I looked frumpy when my princes were small. I barely had time to rest. What more shop? The current yummy mummy generation would raise their brows at me for saying this. But let me put it this way - could you possibly work full-time, raise good children, maintain a household, put good food on the table, have a healthy marriage life and yet look fabulous all at the same time? Impossible! Something's got to give. When the kids are older, you will take back your time and your old self again. But for now, one less trip to the mall won't kill you. Trust me on this.