It's a battlefield out there!

As a parent, I make it a point to teach good values to my princes. Values such as honesty, respect, loyalty and love for family and friends and to do what is right, in God's eyes. I'm lucky that the princes are generally receptive to their mom's advice and guidance. They also have good influences from Sunday school and other positive mentors. Of course, like their mom, they are no saints. They have their moments but generally they have pretty good inbuilt moral compasses.

It is, therefore, utterly frustrating and sad when you groom a couple of good kids only to see them get slaughtered when they step into the world. What's a mother to do? Teach them to continue to be nice or fight back? For me, there is no way I will make nice when the person's behaviour is obviously of ill-intent, so I would be a hypocrite to teach my princes to do what I would not do. In very extreme situations, I passed them my own dose of wisdom - First, a gentlemen. Then a jerk. (A chinese proverb) Give the other party the benefit of the doubt first but when proven to be evil and unrepentent, you have the permission to return the favour.

I figure teaching them moral values without some defensive skills will be as good as sending a bunch of wagyu grade cows to a cheap slaughter house. And I really hate to see my precious get hurt. I am OK that they get the usual growing pains and challenges but when they give their all and have their hearts smashed into pieces, I ache for them. I cannot always be there for them, I tell them, so they need to learn how to outwit their enemies and take care of themselves and each other. It is a battlefield out there and the fight will not always be fair.

I guess if there is one disadvantage of being parent is that you always worry for your children and you never know, despite your best efforts, if they will turn out alright in the end. I guess like what Hal Runkel, a parenting expert, said in his book, Screamfree Parenting, 'Parents should always do our best but let go of the end result.' Letting your kids walk through fire on their own is an essential part of letting go. And the primary role of a parent is to work yourself out of a job. I'm still working on it...

Childlike

'A society in which adults are estranged from the world of children, and often from their own childhood, tends to hear children's speech only as a foreign language, or as a lie. Children have been treated as congenital fibbers, fakers and fantasisers.'- Beatrix Campbell, British journalist (1947- )

When I was a kid, my impression of mom was someone fun and easy to talk to. But somehow, when I grew into a teen, she also became an adult. A dull and stressed out adult. Recently, my 9 year old prince told me that my life is dull. He made that deduction after asking a series of questions, such as my hobbies, things that make me happy, etc. He is a smart kid and his analysis of his mom is not entirely wrong. I can be too serious at times, I have no hobbies to speak of and I can't remember the last time I had a proper date (er-hem, someone better take note).

I do take on the goofy mom persona once in a while but I guess the stress of living does get to me. After a while, I kind of forgot how to have fun. I become like my mom - dull and often stressed out. To kids, the world is a playground and they can find funny in any situation. Well, at least, my kids are like that. If not for them, I guess I will be even more dull. They remind me not to take life or myself too seriously. They taught me to 'chill-lax' - combination of chill out and relax and apparently a Gen Y term. I know I'm capable of that -when I don't have so many things on my mind. People close to me tell me I think too much while those who do not know me think that I am insensitive and often act on impulse. The woes of the misunderstood!

The last 10 years or so, mom became fun again, cracking jokes at others and herself and meeting up with her friends. I guess she learned to relax after her children reached adulthood. I hope I don't have to wait this long to live a well-lived and happy life. I guess my new year resolution will no longer be to lose 2 kg but to think more childlike and live a little.

We are all damaged goods

One out of four people in this country is mentally imbalanced. Think of your three closest friends and if they seem okay, then you're the one. - Ann Landers

Ever noticed that the beginnning of a hike is always a little hard, then it gets easier and then after a few hours or so, it gets even harder? That's how I feel as I get older and wiser. It doesn't make sense. I'm supposed to get better at this, this thing call life. It's not that I am less competent. Just that as I get older, I realise that people are more complex and things are very grey. Although my capability index gets better, the indicators also shift upwards, so I always feel like my teenage self - unsure of my judgement, feeling like a moron and regreting some of my past actions.

But I know I'm not alone in feeling incompetent in dealing with life's challenges. We all bring along with us baggages from our past and try to blend into the world. In a sense, we are all damaged goods. Imagine we are bikes travelling on a very long bumpy ride. If we are blessed with a good setup, i.e., good parents and values, we are likely to last the distance with little damages but along the way we will still get knocks here and there and lose a wheel or two. Nobody gets away unscathed. When we meet other travellers along the way, we may share some of our sad stories and help one another fix the damages or we may hide our less than glamourous past with a shiny coat of paint. Inside, we are still damaged. If we do not fix the damage, it will get worse as we trudge along and eventually collapse into a heap of despair.

Somebody once said that 'Life is raw material. We are artisans. We can sculpt our existence into something beautiful, or debase it into ugliness. It's in our hands.' We can choose to ignore our injuries and lead life wearing a perpetual mask or we can nurture our souls and be kind to ourselves and others. Of course, it helps to have some divine intervention. Fortunately, human beings are capable of resilience. Although we cannot undo the past, we can conquer fears and weaknesses, one at a time and slowly and surely, we can get back on the road - more assured and confident. Perhaps we can even help other damaged goods along the way. The journey may still be harsh and demanding but when we learn to take care of ourselves and others, it will definitely be more bearable.

Why be a parent?

There has been some debate recently in my social circle on whether or not to have a baby or how many babies to have. The hardcore DINKS see no reason to spoil their weekends or their lives by welcoming little monsters. They are perfectly happy playing with friends' or relatives' babies and then return them before night falls or diapers get soiled, which ever comes first.

I always tell people they should have one if they are not too squimish about them. Babies, I mean. Why? Because not being a parent is like missing out on a huge part of the human experience. It's like eating pancake without maple syrup or having bakut teh without bakut. Or riding a roller coaster without the twists. You get my drift. Life is a lot more interesting and 'multi-layered' with a child. Seriously, some times I wonder what I would do with all the free time I would have, without children. I wouldn't know what to do with myself. Ya, pathetic. I know I could hang out with friends, go shopping, pick up golf and watch obscene amount of TV but I think I will tire of these after a while. You see, a child is different. A child will keep me on my toes with his witty remarks and mischief and feed me with a tornado of emotions. No one can evoke joy, anger and hit that little soft spot in your heart that makes you all teary, all in the same day like your child can.

I recall an incident which reminded me the real reason I want to be a parent. I was walking home one day and bumped into a neighbour's pre-teen daughter at the lift. She was a pretty little thing and she smiled so sweetly at me that my heart skipped a beat. Then I went home and cried. Stupid woman! What was that all about? Then it dawned on me that I was grieving because I knew I would never own that smile. I would never have a daughter. Even though I already have 2 beautiful smart boys, my heart was broken at that point. So for those who have made up their minds not be a parent, I hope they never have to experience this painful regret and if they do, I hope they find a darn good way to cope.

I don't watch TV. Why? Because it's a waste of time. I get nothing out of that box which many deem indispensable. Besides, I hate the trouble of having to remember the timings of the shows and remembering to watch them. My brain is already overloaded with data.

But my princes and my Hubby lurve the tube, so I do sit down with them once in a while to catch up on the latest stuff. So far, the only TV series that impresses me is the animated Avatar, the Last Air Bender. Well, considering I don't watch much TV and most of these times were to supervise the princes, I'm more familiar with the yellow sponge and the cute monk with the arrowhead tatoo on his head and limbs. Avatar has many interesting characters and is really funny. My favourite character is Toph, the blind earth-bender with a big attitude. If I had a girl, she would be like Toph.

Before I go down in histroy as the only adult woman in Singapore who watches nothing on TV except kids' shows, I would like to qualify that I do appreciate adult TV shows like The Mentalist, Lost and most recently Glee. Among these adult shows, I must say Glee gives me the most 'high'. Set at a Midwest high school, this award-winning comedy features a Spanish teacher who takes the glee club, populated by teenage misfits, and manages to turn it around. Each episode features four musical performances. All the songs featured in Glee make me warm and fuzzy inside, maybe because they are so familiar. The dysfunctional characters, especially the teachers, are eerily real to me, although some of the characters, like Sue, are blown out of proportion. I like her infamous quote: 'I'm going to ask you to smell your armpits. That's the smell of failure and it's stinking up my office.' To a certain extent, I'm also dysfunctional and these characters voiced out and acted out these 'dysfunctional-ness' and make them seem almost normal.

Questions: Are there really such musical clubs in the American schools? Why can't Singapore have one as hip? And why can't all music teachers be this hot and cool at the same time?

Glee trivia:

• All of the singing and dancing on the show is genuinely performed by the actors.


• After releasing a remake of Journey's hit song "Don't Stop Believin'" in May (2009), the song skyrocketed to #1 on the iTunes charts.


• Confident that the series would be a huge success, Fox and Columbia Records decided to record a soundtrack for the show.


• Series stars Jayma Mays (Emma) and Jessalyn Gilsig (Terri) have both appeared in vital guest starring roles on NBC's Heroes as Charlie and Meredith (Claire's biological mother) respectively.

This ain't a love song

I thought I'm more of a ballad person but I recently realised that what really excites me is soft rock such as this one by Scouting for Girls. When I first heard it over the radio, the lyrics made me smiled.

And I’m a little bit lost without you

And I’m a bloody big mess inside

And I’m a little bit lost without you

This ain’t a love song this is goodbye

I'm glad that music is one of the ways I connect with my pre-teen prince. I'm not a sporty or outdoor person and constant talking can be boring at times. But when he hears a new song, he will share it with me. We happen to like the same kind of songs, for now. I guess my teenage angst is still buried underneath the thick layer of cellulite.

God remembers

Often times we pray for certain things and ask God to right a wrong and hope to see results immediately. But God doesn't work that way. His concept of time and timing is unlike ours. To us, if things don't instantly go our way, we conclude that it is not God's will or that we did not pray fervently enough. The beautiful thing about God is that He hears you even when you do not have the strength or will to pray. Even when you wail like beast, and have no words to utter your pain or strength to seek help, He knows and He remembers. And He is there with you.

Even when I have forgotton about the injustice I suffered, God remembers and He delivers justice in His own ways. And He makes sure that you respond with a good attitude - no bitterness or hatred, just sympathy and forgiveness. I can only say that I have an awesome God.

Shopping and children just don't go well together

The other day, I witnessed an ugly meltdown by a mother of 2 toddlers in a mall. I overheard the frazzled mom shouting at her crying toddler to shut up and something about throwing her younger sister away. Said younger sister was sitting in her pram none the wiser while the girl wailed her lungs out. This noisy drama played on for quite a while.

I don't know what exactly happened, only that the young mother was stupid enough to attempt shopping while dragging 2 unwilling toddlers with her. What was she thinking? I had a good mind to tell her to abandon her shopping and settle her tired kids at home. To young children, the mall is a big scary place with giants moving along huge sign boards and shops. It's a place full of noise and smells and negative stimulation.

When my princes were small, I hardly brought them to the malls. They were more familiar with the zoo, the parks and the library. What benefit could they possibly get from the mall and what joy would I derive from crying children and crowded places? This explains why I looked frumpy when my princes were small. I barely had time to rest. What more shop? The current yummy mummy generation would raise their brows at me for saying this. But let me put it this way - could you possibly work full-time, raise good children, maintain a household, put good food on the table, have a healthy marriage life and yet look fabulous all at the same time? Impossible! Something's got to give. When the kids are older, you will take back your time and your old self again. But for now, one less trip to the mall won't kill you. Trust me on this.

Perfect day

What is a perfect day? As my birthday approached, I asked myself and a few people this question: How would you create a perfect day for yourself? How would you pamper yourself?

I want my birthday to be a perfect day, especially seeing as my days on earth are numbered. I'm not dying any day now but I have reached a stage when years lived and years remaining have reached an equilibrium.

Turns out not many people have given much thought to having a perfect day. When probed, some said they would go shopping or spa or bookstore or stay at home with a good book or the box. Some don't even have plans for a good lunch, which was what I had planned to do. But who could blame them for having such boring answers? The caveat to this question was that you need to spend this perfect day by yourself. Well, at least in the day time.

My supposed perfect day got off on a bad start. I woke up with a pounding headache, perhaps from too much anticipation. I was at work in the morning and my colleagues gave me a 'surprise' by singing the birthday song and giving me gifts and shopping vouchers. That kind of compensated for the headache. When I got off work at 12pm, I drove to town to check out the Marmalade Pantry at ION that a couple of people recommended. The place was crowded on a Tuesday afternoon, so it must be good, I thought. I walked in even though I didn't like the menu and requested for a corner seat. The captain told me that the corner table was not available and put me wedged between 2 groups of rowdy women. I sat at the table for all of 10 seconds and stood up to leave, telling the waitress that I had changed my mind. I didn't think I would have much of a good dining experience.

I walked aimlessly in ION. Hungry. Then I decided, I would dine in the next restaurant that served cod fish. No such luck in ION. I moved on to Wheelock Place and stopped by this Japanese restaurant called Sun & Moon. I asked the waitress if they served cod fish as I was craving for some. She said the most beautiful 3-letter word at that time - yes. So, I stepped right in and was shown to a dark corner in the restaurant. The ambience of the restaurant was more Western than Japanese, with soft lighting and sofa chairs.

I was quite happy being left in a dark corner where I could still have an outside view. There were 2 other lone diners in the area - both were caucasian women. I remembered my female friends who told me they did not like to dine alone and would rather 'tabao' or have a quick lunch when alone. I quite enjoyed my own company. No small talks. No comprising on what I want to do. No need to worry about my quirky dining habits, like chewing ice.

My teriyaki cod fish set lunch came with fried potatoes, sashimi salad and a bowl of steaming white fluffy rice. Oh, how I love my starches. It was a very good meal. The rice was a gem. I have not eaten such good Japanese rice in a long time. Soft and starchy - that's how rice should be in a perfect world and on a perfect day. The perfect day was taking shape at this point.

After the good lunch, I went to Marks & Spencer and bought some chocolates and cookies, which were discounted as M & S was having a sale. Perfect shopping experience - checked.

Then I moved on to Far East Plaza to hunt for a pair of shoes and a white cardigan. Although I did not intentionally limit my shopping list to these 2 items, I ended up with only the shoes. The place was not like it used to be. I recalled there were a lot more shops. Must be the recession. But I was happy with my shoes - it was something I had been searching for for some time. I had to abandoned the Godiva milkshake in Takashimaya as I wanted to go home to nurse that headache before my date in the evening.

Dinner was at a modern French restaurant at Purvis Street called Gunther's. The food was superb and the service was great. But somehow, I felt like I was being watched constantly. The place was very small and the ratio of diners to wait staff was like 2 to 1. I liked the food and getting dressed up for dinner but I would prefer the ambience to be more casual. Our dinner that day:

- Free flow of freshly baked bread

- Lobster salad

- French onion soup

- Wagyu beef (for him)

- French lamb (for me)

- Selection of desserts

I was the only person taking pictures and was afraid that the wait staff would stop me from doing so. If they stopped me, I would say that I was a celebrity blogger, I decided.

The bread was very nice - warm and crusty. And they served real butter, not margarine.

My apple juice and sparkling water.

The lobster salad was out of this world - sweet, light and juicy, served with cherry tomotoes, some veg and a layer of crispy potatoes underneath.

The French onion soup was alright. They claimed it's made with Belgium beer. I guess either French restaurant or posh restaurant has no concept of sharing. We ordered 1 serving of soup to share but they gave us 2 and charged us accordingly. Miss smarty-pants at the corner of my left-side brain snorted, 'Fine-dining. Duh.'

My phone camera, or rather my skill did no justice to the wagyu beef. It was succulant and tender with the right amount of marbling and cooked to perfection - slightly burnt outside but still pink inside. No gravy whatsoever. This will be my last meal before I die.

Best lamb dish I have ever eaten, served with a thin layer of potatoes and gooey cheese underneath and with the right amount of fats too but I wished it was a little burnt and crusty on the outside to bring out the flavour. Still, this could not beat the heavenly wagyu beef.

This tiramisu was a surprise, with compliments from Gunther's. Even the surprise-maker, my hubby, was surprised by this gesture.

This was another surprise. We didn't order desserts as the surprise-maker had planned to bring me to another restaurant near his office to eat molten lava chocolate cake. The biggest surprise was that we had to pay for these even though we did not order them. Oh well, we enjoyed the dessserts tremendously, so we will not quarrel about it.

The left most one was a chewy cake with crusty exterior; the white truffle macaroon was chewy and good too; the biscuit was alright and valrhona chocolate was rich and bitter.

I simply couldn't eat another bite of the remaining desserts on the plate even though they were really yummy.

Check out the bathroom. They use L'occitane!

It's hand towels, not paper napkins.

So did I have my perfect day? Well, other than the headache, it was almost perfect. But it was all over too soon. It got me thinking: what is the point of it all? You spend indecent amount of money and effort creating a perfect day and then it's over before you can savour it. For that matter, why bother to go for holidays and then get back to the same rut after a while? My 'Aha!' response: so you can look forward to more of such wonderful experiences in the long journey called life. Another 'Aha!' answer: so that your book of life will not be blank; it will be as colouful as you want it to be and when you look back, you do so with a smile. I am still smiling.

My parenting philosophies

Parenthood is a long and arduous journey and we have to keep revamping ourselves and upgrading our skills to keep afloat. The goal post always seems to be shifting and the rules keep changing. That's why we should never leave parenting to chance, because chances are that you will regret it. Over the years, I have learnt many parenting tips, from books, internet and friends, some of which are brillaint but some I just can't relate to. Below are my personal parenting philosophies, some may seem radical but they have worked for me so far.

Begin with the end in mind
In my 20s, I was cynical, negative and perpetually on PMS mode. When I was pregnant with my first child, I resolved to change all that. I didn't want my child to become like Wednesday of Addams Family. I see my child as someone happy, confident and kind. I wanted him to grow up with strong positive Christian values and surrounded by love. Hence, I revolved my parenting styles and philosophies around that vision. My parenting style, as many of my friends know, is child-centric. It is not an easy one as it involves much sacrifices but it also humbled me and made me a better person.

Start young
Whatever skills or knowledge you want your child to acquire, you gotta start young. I started reading to my child when he was old enough to sit on my lap, i.e., about 5 months. Reading to my child became a nightly ritual which he enjoyed tremendously. Even now, my princes are still avid readers. According to their teachers, they are 'strong in communication and vocabulary' (aka talkative and aggressive). My princes also started swimming lessons when they were 4 or 5 years old. I deem reading and swimming as essential lifeskills. Even for discipline, I believe in starting young. If you allow your one-year old child to throw tantrum, he will continue to do it until adulthood. That explains why some of your friends and colleagues are so unreasonable and obnoxious.

Parent with love and service
We have heard of the 5 love languages - time, touch, affirmation, gifts, acts of service. I try to show my children all the love languages but frankly, to me, acts of service is the hardest to do. Yet it is a very important factor in family relationships. Acts of service, basically, tells the receiver that, at that point in time, his or her needs are more important than yours. What message can be more powerful than that? This doesn't mean that I'm a slave to my children. They still need to do their chores and obey their parents. I try to make them feel important by doing things for them when they least expect them, e.g., massages. I also have no qualms about apologising to my children when I make a mistake. Being parents doesn't mean we should behave 'big'. Sometimes, in order to earn respect from our children, we have to act 'small'.

Don't do for your child what he can do for himself
I'm glad that my children are relatively competent and independent. Sometimes, they surprised me with their capabilities. Recently, due to some miscommunication with my in-laws who are overseas, my younger prince took public transport home himself. He tried calling me but somehow I kept missing his calls. The poor kid took about an hour to reach home. Although I felt sympathy for him and hatred for myself, I'm proud that he found his way home without any help. I'm not suggesting that we leave our children to their own devices. We need to coach and nurture our children and provide them with the necessary resources and knowledge before we send them out into the world but we must also prepare them to face the world on their own, baby-step by baby-step.

Let them suffer a little
I personally believe that hardship builds character. We do not need to cater to every want or demand from our children. By K2, the princes know that they do not get any toys or gifts except on birthdays and Christmas. They also know that holidays overseas are not a given. My older prince begged for a handphone for a very long time, citing that all his friends had one. I only gave him an old handphone when he started to play in his school sports team and his gramps and myself needed to know his whereabouts - when he was Primary 5. And he knows that with privileges come responsibilities. He has to abide by the handphone etiquette, e.g., handphone must be switched off by 9pm. Now my younger prince is telling me that all his Primary 3 friends have handphones except him. Sigh...

When the princes told me the unfairness and injustice they experienced, I taught them skills to manage these and for cases where nothing could be done, I told them that the world has never been fair and never will be. This is part of growing up. But I also share with them positive stories and tell them that that they should always do the right thing even though people don't do the right thing by them. I believe that children should learn to fight their own battles while we observe in the background. Great generals are groomed by a nurturing mentor who provides the right training and armour.

A mother's heart

They say that once you become a mother, your heart no longer resides in your body. It goes and lives beside your child's heart, so you feel his excitment, his disappointment, his fears, his heartaches. A mother's heart knows no limit in giving and forgiving. It refuses to detach itself from the child's heart even when the child has made room in his heart for other occupants.

She patiently waits for the time when that space is available again; that place of love she knows only she can fill. While she waits, she gives and she gives and she prays. And she knows that the day will come when the child's heart will come and reside in hers. That's all the more sweeter.