My parenting philosophies

Parenthood is a long and arduous journey and we have to keep revamping ourselves and upgrading our skills to keep afloat. The goal post always seems to be shifting and the rules keep changing. That's why we should never leave parenting to chance, because chances are that you will regret it. Over the years, I have learnt many parenting tips, from books, internet and friends, some of which are brillaint but some I just can't relate to. Below are my personal parenting philosophies, some may seem radical but they have worked for me so far.

Begin with the end in mind
In my 20s, I was cynical, negative and perpetually on PMS mode. When I was pregnant with my first child, I resolved to change all that. I didn't want my child to become like Wednesday of Addams Family. I see my child as someone happy, confident and kind. I wanted him to grow up with strong positive Christian values and surrounded by love. Hence, I revolved my parenting styles and philosophies around that vision. My parenting style, as many of my friends know, is child-centric. It is not an easy one as it involves much sacrifices but it also humbled me and made me a better person.

Start young
Whatever skills or knowledge you want your child to acquire, you gotta start young. I started reading to my child when he was old enough to sit on my lap, i.e., about 5 months. Reading to my child became a nightly ritual which he enjoyed tremendously. Even now, my princes are still avid readers. According to their teachers, they are 'strong in communication and vocabulary' (aka talkative and aggressive). My princes also started swimming lessons when they were 4 or 5 years old. I deem reading and swimming as essential lifeskills. Even for discipline, I believe in starting young. If you allow your one-year old child to throw tantrum, he will continue to do it until adulthood. That explains why some of your friends and colleagues are so unreasonable and obnoxious.

Parent with love and service
We have heard of the 5 love languages - time, touch, affirmation, gifts, acts of service. I try to show my children all the love languages but frankly, to me, acts of service is the hardest to do. Yet it is a very important factor in family relationships. Acts of service, basically, tells the receiver that, at that point in time, his or her needs are more important than yours. What message can be more powerful than that? This doesn't mean that I'm a slave to my children. They still need to do their chores and obey their parents. I try to make them feel important by doing things for them when they least expect them, e.g., massages. I also have no qualms about apologising to my children when I make a mistake. Being parents doesn't mean we should behave 'big'. Sometimes, in order to earn respect from our children, we have to act 'small'.

Don't do for your child what he can do for himself
I'm glad that my children are relatively competent and independent. Sometimes, they surprised me with their capabilities. Recently, due to some miscommunication with my in-laws who are overseas, my younger prince took public transport home himself. He tried calling me but somehow I kept missing his calls. The poor kid took about an hour to reach home. Although I felt sympathy for him and hatred for myself, I'm proud that he found his way home without any help. I'm not suggesting that we leave our children to their own devices. We need to coach and nurture our children and provide them with the necessary resources and knowledge before we send them out into the world but we must also prepare them to face the world on their own, baby-step by baby-step.

Let them suffer a little
I personally believe that hardship builds character. We do not need to cater to every want or demand from our children. By K2, the princes know that they do not get any toys or gifts except on birthdays and Christmas. They also know that holidays overseas are not a given. My older prince begged for a handphone for a very long time, citing that all his friends had one. I only gave him an old handphone when he started to play in his school sports team and his gramps and myself needed to know his whereabouts - when he was Primary 5. And he knows that with privileges come responsibilities. He has to abide by the handphone etiquette, e.g., handphone must be switched off by 9pm. Now my younger prince is telling me that all his Primary 3 friends have handphones except him. Sigh...

When the princes told me the unfairness and injustice they experienced, I taught them skills to manage these and for cases where nothing could be done, I told them that the world has never been fair and never will be. This is part of growing up. But I also share with them positive stories and tell them that that they should always do the right thing even though people don't do the right thing by them. I believe that children should learn to fight their own battles while we observe in the background. Great generals are groomed by a nurturing mentor who provides the right training and armour.

A mother's heart

They say that once you become a mother, your heart no longer resides in your body. It goes and lives beside your child's heart, so you feel his excitment, his disappointment, his fears, his heartaches. A mother's heart knows no limit in giving and forgiving. It refuses to detach itself from the child's heart even when the child has made room in his heart for other occupants.

She patiently waits for the time when that space is available again; that place of love she knows only she can fill. While she waits, she gives and she gives and she prays. And she knows that the day will come when the child's heart will come and reside in hers. That's all the more sweeter.

Somebody stop me!!... Or maybe not.

Been eating mindlessly for the past 2 weeks. I just inhaled 2 pieces of cheesecake in like 5 seconds. And this is after having chocolates and cookies together with my lunch 2 hours ago. And dinner last night... I don't even want to go there. Christmas is still 3 weeks away and then there is Chinese New Year. If I continue to eat like this, who knows what will become of me by Valentine's Day. I may get invited to take part in the 'Biggest Loser'.

There are only 2 possibilities to my bingeing - either I'm happy or I'm not. I guess I'm not. My hubby has been doing his disappearing acts more frequency these few weeks and there is the prospect of having a new domestic maid before Christmas. Plus, work has not exactly been a breeze. But I gotta stop this senseless carnage. Get a grip on yourself, girl, and snap out of it!

If you've never failed, you've never lived.

Famous Failures

Don't be afraid of failures. Don't go through life with trepidation. And don't let anyone tell you that you are not good enough.

Arriving at destination...

Recently, my hubby decided to outsource his job of directing me to places to a Garmin GPS for a low low price of $169. I guess it's worth its salt if it means lesser arguments about unclear instructions and exploring more places in his absence.

We tried it out the first few days and the princes were tickled by the GPS going 'recalculating' or 'u-turn when possible' whenever we took a different route from what the GPS recommended. We joked that the GPS some times kept very quiet because she was having her tantrums or PMS and that maybe we should change it to a male voice which may be less talkative.

I have mixed feelings about the GPS. When my hubby is overseas, I feel more secure going to places with it but some times, the direction it gives is different from what seems to be the correct route and it can be frustrating because I can't scold this damn thing or ask it questions. In such situations, I have to re-activate it to re-direct. According to a friend, Singapore is very small, so it's impossible to get lost. I disagree. Anyway, what I love about this machine is that I can save some favourite locations and there is an icon that that says 'Go home'. I feel safe knowing that even if I got lost, I will somehow find my way home. I hope.

A piece of our past

It's strange how we form emotional attachment to inanimate objects. Our coffee table had been with us since we got married and moved into our first house. It was a simple square table made of low quality wood. Yet it weathered our daily abuse over the past 14 years and still stood strong on the day it was abandoned.

The day before the new coffee table was due to arrive, I told my hubby that maybe we should keep our old coffee table after all. Ok, stupid suggestion. Then, I suggested that maybe we saw off a leg of the table and keep it as a momento. Stupider. So, we just took a picture of the old fellow, in its usual form, with remote controls, toys, cups and anything our 2 princes put on it.

The day the new coffee table arrived, I received it without any emotion. Unlike the old coffee table, this one is more elegant and is made of good quality Indonesian wood but lacks character and a certain charm that the old table had.

I guess human beings are nostalgic suckers. We associate anything, from an old coffee table to Michael Jackson with our youth and time lost. We grieve for MJ not because we love him. Come on, we don't even know him. We mourn the lost youth and freedom that we had during the times we listened to his music and watched his rebellious crotch-grabbing dance moves. In the same way, the coffee table held many many memories of our early married and parenthood years. It witnessed our fights and hugs, held our TV dinners, heard our stories and grew with us as a couple and young family. It has stopped becoming a furniture but a part of our lives.

I tapped into the logical part of my brain and told it to let go of the old fellow. Maybe it will serve a purpose for its next owner. For now, I have to get used to the new coffee table - the smell, the shape, the texture and move on. Like the slogan in the movie 'Meet the Robinsons', 'Just Keep Moving Forward', we cannot be stuck in the past. And we shouldn't. So I guess the new coffee table has to earn its keep and hopefully last long enough to bond with us and become part of our children's memories too. When they have their own homes and coffee tables, I hope they will remember the happy times they had in our home and around our coffee table.

The perfect apology

From the movie 'Fireproof''.

It takes humility and commitment to apologise whole-heartedly to someone, especially someone you love. Feeling contrite can come naturally but expressing it is one of the toughest thing to do. Some people even choose to end a relationship than say sorry! A sincere apology and asking for forgiveness will melt away hatred and hard feelings and improve relationships. Why don't we do it more often?

Human beings are strange creatures. We value our pride and ego much more than we should. Is keeping our pride and ego intact really worth the sacrifice of a relationship? I believe a lot of people lost relationships this way. Why can't we eat the humble pie once in a while when it really matters? Jesus Christ is the embodiment of love, humility and forgiveness. For God so loved the world that He sacrificed His only begotten son to die for us so that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16) and God demonstrates His love for us in this: While we are still sinners, Christ died for us (Roman 5:8). Why would someone go through torture and humilation and die for us when we have proven to be unworthy? Even as Christ took his last breathe on the cross, He said, 'Father, forgive them.' Love conquers all pride and hatred, only if we allow it.